It's enough to make your wig spin

Since we'll be commemorating the anniversary of the Declaration of Independence this week, it seems a fitting time to update you Founders on a few things that have happened since you began this nation.

No, Ben, we're not going to open the meeting in prayer. Yes, we know that at the Constitutional Convention in Philadelphia you moved that sessions be opened with prayer, but there wasn't enough money to hire a chaplain.

Yes, sir, we have the money. Yes, sir, it is rumored you can still find a few people of faith in our nation's capital; it's just that praying in public is discouraged these days.

We can however, pause for a moment of silence. Heads bowed, please. One one-thousand, two one-thousand. All righty, thanks fellas.

What's that, George? You're wondering about the stature of the office of the presidency? Yes, we are aware you had concerns that office not be treated like royalty.

Well, and I think you're going to get a kick out of this, sir, — the editor of Newsweek said that our president, Barack Obama, stands above the country and the world, "he's sort of G-d."

George? Could someone get George the smelling salts? Clear a path, please. Thank you.

Mr. Madison, Mr. Hamilton and Mr. Jay, you will appreciate knowing that the Constitution is still with us. It is treated like soft clay, but the frame is still there. A few changes of note:

We no longer fear the federal government or seek to limit it one iota.

Is Ben's wig spinning? Could someone calm that man down?

What's that, George? Government is like fire? It is a dangerous servant and a fearful master?

We're embracing the "master" phase right now, sir. The federal government has taken over banks, mortgage companies, insurance companies and automobile companies. The feds are racking up trillions of dollars in debt it will take generations to pay and selling our notes to the Chinese.

Mr. Hamilton, please quit moaning! Others can't hear.

Just a few more things. Security, could you move down front? The Randolph contingency is getting restless. The federal government is about to provide health care for every man, woman and child. Government bureaucrats will tell people what procedures they can have done and which doctors they can see.

I knew you'd be excited! Calm down, gentlemen! Big government is our friend now.

No, there wasn't any bloodshed. No battle. We just handed omnipotence to the feds on a silver platter.

America's enemies? There's no shortage, gentlemen. They've sworn to kill us. We had a number of them locked up in a prison called Guantanamo, but we're setting them free. We sent a few to a beautiful tropical island and the rest we may bring up here to the States. We fight our battles with words these days - adverbs, adjectives, prepositional phrases, alliteration.

No, Mr. Jefferson, I'm not joking.

What's that Mr. Jay? Doesn't anyone read the Constitution or the Federalist Papers?

It's such dry reading, sir. All those big words and no pictures. If you could get someone to do a music video about them, you might gain some interest. We're just not that into reading anymore — we do Twitter though.

It's not a bird, Mr. Hancock. Twitter is a — oh, never mind.

What's that, Ben? Have we never heard of liberty?

Of course we have. It's a bar over on Broadway.